Many times in life, when I try to stand up for myself, I had found myself:
. Deleting entire texts because I thought it sounded too harsh.
. Saying, "Sorry, but..." before standing up for myself because I didn't want to come across as too confrontational.
. Sweeping things under the rug altogether i.e. not standing up for myself. And then I proceed to feel angry and shitty about it.
The times I actually do stand up for myself?
. I feel bad about it.
. I feel guilty, like ah man, did I hurt their feelings?
. Once, I even called up a friend I gave a scolding to to apologize for my tone.
. I regret it entirely, so much so I think I should not stand up for myself at all, which then starts the cycle of uncertainty and discomfort whenever shit happens again.
The irony right? You ought to stand up for yourself, but you're too good a person for it.
Here are my thoughts on standing up for yourself like a powerfully good person:
. You feel bad? Good. You've humility. You feel and empathize for the other person and this is an excellent quality to have in life.
. You apologized even though you didn't have to? That's perfectly fine. Don't read too much into this. Again, it's because you have humility. If anything, it makes for great social skills.
. You feel anxious, scared and totally fucked up before or while standing up for yourself? It's one of those moments in life telling you to take the leap. Do not be scared. You will come out greater from this, guaranteed (unless well, one of you kills each other or something.)
. Ignore all tales of bravado. If you have friends boasting about how glorious it was when they stood up for themselves, do not believe them. Do not believe the stories of them winning over an argument or even a physical fight. It's mostly bullshit. No one feels good in an uncomfortable situation. You do you as you improve yourself.